Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.