Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING