INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
You Might Also Like
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
FRED: right
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
They did not think through this water fountain
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of