Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.