INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
This is a whole mood;
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?