Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.