Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
So, can we agree on 4 or
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
dril cadence
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t