Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
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Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…