Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
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Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
it’s finally my moment to shine
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.