Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Meow
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one