Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
OH. COME. ON.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Liquor Store Parking
When you have to use a public restroom.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.