Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

🖤✌🏽

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.