@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

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@sad_tree

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

@djangogold

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

@WheelTod

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

@rachann79

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

@alldrolledup

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

@pleatedjeans

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

@wolfpupy

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

@robdelaney

I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.