PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
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if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Anyone you can do, I can do better..
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.