Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Did my cat write this
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
wow he looks just like him
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.