Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?