Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank