Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
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If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”