Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

No one:

London landlords:

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’