Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?