Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders