In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
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Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay