Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

love pickles so much i put myself in one

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then