Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.