Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card