Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.