Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

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Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.


I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.


Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.


[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages


Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”


Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.


Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake


[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*


Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth