Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
We need to put an American base on the sun
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Meat Cute
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The booster protects against what, now?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6