@Try2StopME

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

You Might Also Like

@GoodZiIIa

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@shannonrwatts

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

@Stella1070

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

@noog

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

@QwertyJones3

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

@KattsDogma

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

@SadPeruna

Get a TATTOO they said!
A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said!
Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!

@Versacheetos

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

@skittle624

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”