Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
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(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]