Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.