Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

Found the job I’m suited for

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing