Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
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(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?