Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

🧠

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

#MeanwhileinCanada

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!