Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

so this horse walks into a bar

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.