Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.