Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
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I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.