My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
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i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
my professor scared me for a second