Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

birds and squirrels envy us

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

I’m so full I could puke a horse

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant