Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first