INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
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I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.