Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah