INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
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Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it