Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

◾️

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

why no one uses midhusbands

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.