INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
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Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.