INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
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“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
O Wise One….
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?