INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
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Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
#SuperBowl
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home