Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
You Might Also Like
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me