Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
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5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
sleeping beauty