Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”