Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Basically.

Chemical wingman

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

12653.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time