Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

My wife gives the best headache.

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.