Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.