INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
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I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.