INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
when there are deer in the woods
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak