Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
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*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I’m a bad influence on myself.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.