Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

Bros before Ohioes

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.