Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Trumpy Cat
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.