Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like