Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
tfw you realize …
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
