Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
lmfao
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
😂🐈⬛
A French press is when you hug naked
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
bros in the example zone 😭
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that