Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

Uh oh…

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?