Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

yikes

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.