Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.