INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth