Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

The news

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

Huge if true.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!