Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

want me to check your oil?

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Cool shirt 🙂

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.