interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
When does CPR become necrophilia?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month