Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Peace was never an option
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
