Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
