interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
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8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize