Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy