interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
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[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.