interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.