Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

Sharon I have some bad news

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.