interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Basketball
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
jesus christ confetti not now
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.