Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

A room full of people:   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”