Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no