interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone