interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

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I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?


My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!


Come close…


Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…

Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.


Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting


Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..


Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday


OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?



“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”


Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.


My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.