@TweetPotato314

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

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@MEQ_777

I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?

@ElKnuckelhombre

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

@Talkinghands69

Come close…

Closer…

Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…

Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.

@SvnSxty

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

@QwertyJones3

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

@iamspacegirl

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

@50FirstTates

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

@PaulyPeligroso

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

@BoomBoomBetty

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.