Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.