Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

*pokes sex life with a stick

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

rich people when they have to pay taxes

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.